Saturday, June 18, 2011

How Didn't I get Here

I've been trying to get my life together for about 30 years, now.  What have I tried?  The list is long and laborious, fun at times, miserable at times, and basically each and every thing I have tried has ended in failure.  By failure, I mean, for thirty years, I have, for the most part, let life happen to me.  By not taking control, I have created the life I have today.

I have watched Oprah for 25 years, and bawled like a baby watching her last episode.  I have read Sarah Ban Breathnoc's, SIMPLE ABUNDANCE, I have a Vision board, which I will show you; I have read many of Oprah's book club selections, I even attended the show once, hoping a glimpse of the Goddess would make me well.  I have created many collages, taken pictures, posted them on mirrors, refrigerators and eslewhere.  I have read Cosmo, Good Housekeeping, O, Victoria and many other fashion, self-help, cooking and decorating magazines.  I have tried psychiatrists, counselors, doctors, mentors and a 12-step program (which got me off of drugs and gave me a wonderful husband).  I have watched every self-help reality show ever produced.  I have a library of spiritual fulfillment, self-help, healthy eating and "meditation" books.

I went to college, took classes, gobs of seminars - in person and on tape.  I have set goals and made lists, lists, and more lists.  I have drank gobs of alcohol, taken butt-loads of elicit drugs to make me feel like Superwoman, which seemed to be working for a few years, but eventually ended in disaster.  I have tried anorexia for about a year and was a very miserable young woman, I have tried plastic surgery, which was successful, but I have not held up my end of the healthy lifestyle to fulfill its potential.  I have been a member of many gym's, but the kind of member that the staff never recognizes, because I DON'T SHOW UP!  In fact I have a month left on my current membership, and have been one time to work out for twenty minutes.

I have weighed as little as 105 lbs and as much as 206.  I am now in between, but closer to the top than the bottom.  I have been very poor and lived in by-the-week motels on the bad side of town.  I have had a good paying job making over fifty thousand a year, while married to a man who was making nearly as much. (That's almost rich in my part of the woods - Arkansas).

I love organizational tools, and have spent thousands of dollars trying to get organized. I have hired "assistants". I even bargained with my husband about buying our current house, promising it would not turn into the near-Hoarders disaster as our last one. If we could just move, we could start fresh and clean.
I had dreams of becoming a millionaire by age 30, (then 35), of living in a ten thousand sft Mansion in Beverly Hills, of Travelling the world, of becoming a famous Best-selling author, of becoming an actress, of marrying a rich man from Dallas, but here I am in Fort Smith, Arkansas married to a man, 12 years my senior, who is retired, disabled, and currently in the middle of a messed up knee replacement surgery, who currently has no knee at all (a concrete "brick") in its place, and hoping it will turn out well in the end.  He can't do much for himself, and needs constant care until I get him back in the hospital for the new replacement.  I have a nice house, (which will be hard to see in the pictures, I will be posting on this blog), because of all the STUFF that covers it.  I am about 30 lbs overweight, with health issues, and take a list of prescriptions a mile long for everything from birth control to chronic pain.

I have 30 years of knowledge and experience in what doesn't work.  I hope to turn the knowledge into wisdom that I can share with you, and invite you to join me on my journey to my WHOLE LIFE MAKEOVER and QUEST for fulfillment in all areas of my life!

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