Getting out of the HOLE

Well, I have been trying to fix myself for as long as I can remember.  I know that organizing my house will help that, but getting motivated on that journey has been a difficult one.  Since I started this blog - and apologies for my absence - My husband and I have taken in a family member to try to help her get on her feet, then immediately after that we took in another couple, who is another family member.  It's been a rough few months, however we have learned some valuable lessons in the process, and deciding to put our relationship and our marriage first, David and I shook on the deal that we will no longer move anyone else into our home. 

One of the things I suffer from is Depression.  I take anti-depressants, vitamins and work a twelve-step program.  Sitting at times wishing I could just leave this world, tells me that my depression is still a problem and a big, if sporadic one.  I am trying something new, and I'll let you know how it works.  Its the ugly D word - DIET! 

I was looking at my gun and wishing I could use it and instead pulled up "feel good foods" on the internet.  My first "feel good meal" included blueberries, blackberries, and fat free yogurt.  So far, I feel a little better.  Plans for tonight are crusted chipotle Wild Salmon, spinach and black beans with just a smidgeon of spanish rice.  My night time snack is going to be Kashi fiber filled cereal with skim milk and bananas.  I'll let you know how I feel tommorrow morning and how much "stuff" I get done off my list today. 

Thanks friends for hanging with me.

THE LAST 2 YEARS- THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY

JULY 2009
Good:
 Fabulous family reunion in Oklahoma - Got to watch my mom sing
Bad:  Mom was sick with a mystery illness (Dumbass Doctor kept telling her nothing was wrong)
Bad:  Sister shows up to Family reunion, out of her mind, slurring and trying to sing with my mom.

OCTOBER 2009
Good:
Took the most fabulous buying trip, driving from with my local current best friend from Fort Smith, AR to Prescott & Phoenix AZto see some family and got amazing deals on antiques;
BAD: took 23 hourse to get to Prescott and the GPS almost sent us over a cliff - No really almost teetering.  In 4 days we did not see even one Coyote or mountain lion or any other local wild animal.
Good:  Made it safely to our destinations and found a camper shell on Craig's list just minutes from where we were staying in Sun City ( A suberb of Phoenix) for the truck to store our treasures in.

GOOD:  to LA to see my very best friend I hadn't seen in years.  Stayed at a 4 star fancy hotel in Brentwood and Modesto, my old home town to see my old best friend from 17 years earlier.
Bad:  The hotel screwed up and gave us a hotel with no balcony, then a second room with a person in it that we walked in on, then a 3rd room that had a soaked spot on the carpet, but we kept it and laid down a dozen towels, then took my friends best feather pillow, plugged in their blow dryer and got electrocuted, and the finally to top it all overcharged us including a bar (we don't even drink and did not know where the bar was.
Good:  We got upgraded to a suite, and got free parking for 3 days at 30.00 a night.
Bad:  Still had to pay for the room and never got the down pillow back.
Bad:  Ended up in Echo Park, the 2nd worst neighborhood in the whole of LA
Good:  Got out with our lives, purses, truck with no missing tires, broken windshields or missing
GPS and a cup of Starbucks Capuccino we got out of the largest laundromat I've ever seen.
Bad:  Tried to go through a tunnel drive thru Mcdonalds on Sunset Blvd in our huge Tundra pickup truck at night.  Got to the window,  realized we weren't gonna make the curve, and had to back all the way down the long tunnel with about seriously 16-18" on either side of the truck with a car behind us that we had to make back up also.
Good:  Saw Mulholland Dr at night, found some good deals at thrift shops, ate at a fabulous Beverly Hills Italian restaurant and grabbed a bunch of amazing pastries on another day.
BAD:  While we relaxed with our LA friend in our hotel supplied plush robe and slippers, got a call from her husband freaking out, because he just found out he had Hepatitis C. (only 29 years old)

GOOD:  Got out of LA safely and headed to Modesto to stay with my old friend (free lodging).
BAD:  While we grunted and hauled our stuff in, her 18 yr old sun sat on the couch watching tv.  Then taken to our room with only one blanket and no pillow on one bed.  Went to take a shower and had to share a towel and washcloth.  My friend and her husband fought and screamed at each other the whole time we were there.  The last day, said old friend barely spoke to me and current best friend and no one offered any help, unloading everything and repacking the back of our camper covered truck which took well into the night.  In between trips to the vehicle they kept locking the door and back gate on us.
GOOD: Found some great estate sales and finished filling up our truck completely.
BAD:  My mom was VERY upset that I took a friend and didn't ask her to go with me.  I told her we could go in the spring.
GOOD: Made it home safely with tons of inventory and don't ever have to go back.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Great Organizing website

Here is a great shopping site by that famous organizer, Peter Walsh.  If you are on this journey in part to get yourself more organized, check out this website:  http://www.organize.com/?afsrc=1&utm_medium=CPA&utm_source=affiliate&utm_campaign=commission+junction

julie

FINALLY

Sorry I've been away friends, but I've been just buried filling out bankruptcy paperwork and searching for an undending pile of documents.  Tomorrow our petition will be filed.  I never thought I would ever be in this situation.  We have been working for over two years trying to get our finances situated and under control, but seems like with every little tip toe forward, we slide back 3 feet.

But now my petition is FINALLY filed.  What happens from here is in God & the Creditor Trustee's hands, and there is nothing I can do about that, so I will not allow any more worries on the subject. 

I've heard that "Worry is a lack of Faith" author unknown.  And I guess I've been lacking for a long time, but no more.  I have been feeled with FEAR that THEY will eat me!

I've also heard that FEAR can stand for one of two things:  Face Everything and Recover or F**K everything and RUN!  So its what we do with the fear that is what matters, either walk through it and come through to the other side or don't face it and continue to run and hide from your problems.

I am not proud of filing bankruptcy, but we have tried everything else except letting our home go into foreclosure.  So I am finally ready to truly begin my journey toward Life Fulfillment.  Do I expect it to happen overnight?  in a year?  in 20 years?  No I don't - It is the journey and what else is life if not a journey.  Wishing all of you Faith, love and an Amazing Journey!
julie

Doing what's necessary

I'm reminded once again, that if I do what's in front of me when it comes, I won't be overwhelmed later with piles and lists and disorganization.

I hate hate hate keeping up with paperwork and making business phone calls.  So guess what I've been doing for the last two weeks?  Yep - digging and organizing and calling and digging some more.  When this legal situation is taken care of, I'll be able to focus on something else like clearing a path in my home!

How to getta life in one sentence

"For your dreams you manifest, you must take action, for you to take action you must think it, to think it you must believe"
From The Daily Love

EASY RULES

Here are some simple and easy rules that I am just now realizing I have a hard time following:

1.  If you turn it on - Turn it off
2.  If its open - Shut it
3.  Not every statement - needs a response
4.  You DO NOT have to eat it before it goes bad - Its okay to throw food away sometimes
5.  Just because its on sale - Doesn't mean you have to buy it
6.  If it rings - You don't have to answer it
7.  If you get it out - put it up when you're through with it
8.  If it doesn't taste good - Don't eat it!
9.  Be patient - Everything does not have to be cooked on HIGH
10. If you see trash/clothes/etc on the floor - Pick it up

julie

PEBBLES OF INSPIRATION

I've just recently noticed God is throwing pebbles at me.  They say, he first whispers, and if you don't listen, he will begin to shout, if that doesn't work, he will hit you with a brick!  I have recently had a brick thrown at my head regarding our finances. 

Today, I've been catching little pebbles:
"Ultimately - YOU have to insist on your own Happiness"  Cee Lo
"Go back to the Happiest moment in your life - Go back to that one day when you thought it couldn't get any better!"  Extreme makeover Weight Loss Edition.
"Put yourself in that moment and regain that hope for the future, the joy for the now, the dreams of how your life has just begun - Go there and grab it and don't let go!  Because this is the first day of the new WAY! "  me
My moment is on my wedding day when my soon-to-be husband is walking down the isle looking at me with the biggest smile on his face, glowing with the same love that I returned to him. This was one of the few times in my life when I knew I was doing the best right thing for me, and it felt overwhelming and Awesome.  I never expected to find a "Forever Man", but I did, because I deserve him, and he deserves me!

For those who have ever dealt with greif or Illness

For those of you who know me, you know one of my issues is battling this unending grief over the death of my mother 1-1/2 years ago.   I know I have to deal with my feelings (ALL OF THEM) to achieve the ultimate Vision Quest I'm looking for.  If any of you have ever lost a loved one to sickness or have watched them battle it out with illness, cancer, addiction, emphyzema or anything else, you have to watch this video.  It is so relateable to my feelings.  It is put to the music of Cold Play, the song is FIX YOU.  Check it out and tell me how it makes you feel. 
julie

http://youtu.be/xnguqsMQmg4

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

Well, I hoped to have a pic of my newly clean kitchen on here, but I'm not quite there yet.  I have made some progress in the kitchen, and also alot of progress in the bedroom.  My biggest priority this week, is getting check stubs, bank statements, tax returns, etc together for the attorneys.  I'll have to post more on that at a later date.  Just can't put all the legal stuff up yet. 

Unfortunately, this gathering of paperwork, is an issue, due to my disorganization, which stops now!

I have also started another tool today.  I am only allowing myself to talk positively about myself - to myself and others.  No more calling myself a cow or a dumbass or a bitch.  Totally counterproductive thinking does not contribute to the final goal of Life Fulfillment.

If you like what you are reading here, please tell your friends to join (follow) me on my quest.
Check back tomorrow for more progress, more tips & tricks and whatever else spills out of my mind onto this page:)
julie

Slapped with the Truth

When you live in it everyday, you - or should I say "I tend to overlook alot of the crap that surrounds me".  In looking at the pictures I have taken of my house, I have found there is no way to overlook the truth when its staring you in the face.  Here for instance is my kitchen - and it has suddenly become an item on the top 3 things to knock out today.

I am also trying a little trick, my friend Debbie, suggested.  Everytime I leave a room, I will take no less than 5 items out with me that do not belong and put them in their proper place.

I feel like by putting all my "BIZNIZ" out here, I will be held accountable not only to this blog, but also to you people out there and my followers.  Thanks for joining!  Check back this evening for a new pic of my kitchen and to see the rest of my activities.
Julie

The Goals

The goals of this blog (pick the ones you want or add your own):
1.   Get Healthy - lower cholestoral, blood pressure, and weight by 30 lbs
2.   Excercise regularly 5 days per week
3.   Get off of all medication except for vitamins and birth control
4.   Organize every room in my house and be able to lay my hands on whatever it is I
      need  immediately, knowing its exact location.
5.   Cook healthy tasty meals for my family
6.   Make money from writing
7.   Most of all find peace and serenity within myself
8.   Stop my head from spinning and eliminate 99% of the stress from my life
9.   Eliminate toxic friendships from my life and open myself up to positive people and experiences
10. Be & stay DEBT FREE
11. Move to Oregon
12. Surround myself with beauty
13. Increase my income, so I can live comfortably and travel if I want to
14. Be a non-smoker

WHERE AM I NOW?

What I hope to express initially through this blog is THE TRUTH.  Until we face the truth, we are living in denial, living a lie, and much of what we think we are hiding is already obvious to the people around us. 

I am 47 years old, weighing in at 180 lbs.  I am a recovering addict with 16 plus years in recovery.  My house looks like I'm trying out for Hoarders, and falling just short of getting on the air.  There is not a room in my house that is not filled with stuff, not littered with piles of clothes, papers, and even some trash.  I sell on ebay under the ID Julsberu, so there is also "inventory" abounding in all the rooms.  My house is a 2500 sft single story brick home.  I live here with my husband who is retired and disabled, so except for my little bit of online income we are on a very tight fixed income. 

I currently live in a small city (or large town) in Arkansas, so we have all the amenities of a city, with the small town feel of people who know each other and are very friendly.  The weather, however, is one of the outside influences pulling me down in my life.  There is lots of scenic beauty, but the summers are sweltering and miserable.  Spring is filled with violent thunder storms, hail storms, torrential rains, and straight line winds, along with the occasional tornado.  The winters are cold.  We have probably 2 months of perfect weather in total throughout the year with moderate temperatures, no rain and a bit of sun.  I will tell you more about me tomorrow.  In the meantime, feel free to post and tell me about you.

Join me PLEASE on my personal journey

I am starting this blog as a personal journey of life fulfillment.  I am inviting any and all who want to join and begin their own journey.  Together, I hope we can eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive, adding things that lead us to our ultimate goal, and getting rid of the old habits and routines that have held us back and dragged us down for so long. 

I am 47 years old, and I hear that the forties are the best decade of your life to that point, however, I'm still waiting for that magic forty fairy to konk me on the head before I hit my fifties, which I have heard are truly the best decade in a woman's life.

How Didn't I get Here

I've been trying to get my life together for about 30 years, now.  What have I tried?  The list is long and laborious, fun at times, miserable at times, and basically each and every thing I have tried has ended in failure.  By failure, I mean, for thirty years, I have, for the most part, let life happen to me.  By not taking control, I have created the life I have today.

I have watched Oprah for 25 years, and bawled like a baby watching her last episode.  I have read Sarah Ban Breathnoc's, SIMPLE ABUNDANCE, I have a Vision board, which I will show you; I have read many of Oprah's book club selections, I even attended the show once, hoping a glimpse of the Goddess would make me well.  I have created many collages, taken pictures, posted them on mirrors, refrigerators and eslewhere.  I have read Cosmo, Good Housekeeping, O, Victoria and many other fashion, self-help, cooking and decorating magazines.  I have tried psychiatrists, counselors, doctors, mentors and a 12-step program (which got me off of drugs and gave me a wonderful husband).  I have watched every self-help reality show ever produced.  I have a library of spiritual fulfillment, self-help, healthy eating and "meditation" books.

I went to college, took classes, gobs of seminars - in person and on tape.  I have set goals and made lists, lists, and more lists.  I have drank gobs of alcohol, taken butt-loads of elicit drugs to make me feel like Superwoman, which seemed to be working for a few years, but eventually ended in disaster.  I have tried anorexia for about a year and was a very miserable young woman, I have tried plastic surgery, which was successful, but I have not held up my end of the healthy lifestyle to fulfill its potential.  I have been a member of many gym's, but the kind of member that the staff never recognizes, because I DON'T SHOW UP!  In fact I have a month left on my current membership, and have been one time to work out for twenty minutes.

I have weighed as little as 105 lbs and as much as 206.  I am now in between, but closer to the top than the bottom.  I have been very poor and lived in by-the-week motels on the bad side of town.  I have had a good paying job making over fifty thousand a year, while married to a man who was making nearly as much. (That's almost rich in my part of the woods - Arkansas).

I love organizational tools, and have spent thousands of dollars trying to get organized. I have hired "assistants". I even bargained with my husband about buying our current house, promising it would not turn into the near-Hoarders disaster as our last one. If we could just move, we could start fresh and clean.
I had dreams of becoming a millionaire by age 30, (then 35), of living in a ten thousand sft Mansion in Beverly Hills, of Travelling the world, of becoming a famous Best-selling author, of becoming an actress, of marrying a rich man from Dallas, but here I am in Fort Smith, Arkansas married to a man, 12 years my senior, who is retired, disabled, and currently in the middle of a messed up knee replacement surgery, who currently has no knee at all (a concrete "brick") in its place, and hoping it will turn out well in the end.  He can't do much for himself, and needs constant care until I get him back in the hospital for the new replacement.  I have a nice house, (which will be hard to see in the pictures, I will be posting on this blog), because of all the STUFF that covers it.  I am about 30 lbs overweight, with health issues, and take a list of prescriptions a mile long for everything from birth control to chronic pain.

I have 30 years of knowledge and experience in what doesn't work.  I hope to turn the knowledge into wisdom that I can share with you, and invite you to join me on my journey to my WHOLE LIFE MAKEOVER and QUEST for fulfillment in all areas of my life!